No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
