and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
