it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
