I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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