I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
