i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
