My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
