I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm like, not good at living.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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