It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Found the puke drawer
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Terrible idea I love it
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
