I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
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