Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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