remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I want to be your penis for a week.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
