The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I am naked and annoyed.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
