FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
