38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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