My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
