it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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