I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
