So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
