Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
