im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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