I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
