he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Holy shit dude........stairs
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
