my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
