You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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