Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
