i always forget guys have bellybuttons
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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