At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
