I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
