If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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