I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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