shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
