I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
