I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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