): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
