shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
