you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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