Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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