Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
