Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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