The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
