I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
