Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
