Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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