I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
