i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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