I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
