now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She's the barista slut.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
