Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
