You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
