the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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