stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
