tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
