how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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