Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
